So how do you memorialize a recent death at weddings without making everyone sad?

 

Unfortunately, 2023 has included a death of someone near and dear to the couple in half my weddings so far this year. There is a hole the size of a wrecking ball in the middle of what is supposed to be the couple’s “best day of their life” and celebrating feels out of place in the midst of grieving.

What is a couple to do when they are celebrating while actively grieving? What’s appropriate? Is it gauche to be happy? Can you be happy? How do you memorialize a recent death at a wedding?

 

Let’s start with the basics. Here are two extreme cases. I have attended two weddings where half the attendees of the wedding were also at a funeral the week before the wedding. Totally ruined the wedding, right? No. For one family, I’m pretty sure they don’t remember a lot about the wedding because they were all so raw and stunned by the sudden death. But they put one foot in front of the other and got through the day with grace and kindness.

Although I know the groom can barely stand to see photos or watch videos from that day, it was a fantastic way to bring his father into the wedding celebration and enjoy one that he would have loved being a part of. The joy that comes from a wedding is contagious. It reminds everyone of happy times, the love of family and gives hope to the next generation. The second wedding I photographed acknowledged the passing, paid homage to the beloved family member and then they all got on with celebrating the day.

 

In every case, the person who died is woven into the ceremony either passively (like placing flowers or a small memorial plaque where they would have been seated) or actively by including them into the service. Not to hijack the service or bring everyone down, but by including someone who everyone is thinking about. It’s not that everyone is being reminded that hey, folks, someone important is missing.

It’s about giving voice to what everyone is silently thinking about and giving everyone a chance to openly talk about that person. It’s giving permission to grieve. It means that talking about what they’ve been through won’t ruin someone’s wedding. It means you can move on with the rest of the day with their presence around. It’s inviting the person who died to join in the festivities.

And man, oh man, do people who have just lost someone need to let loose. Crying and laughing are so closely linked. Does anyone think that the person who died would want everyone sitting around talking about them, pulling attention, focus and happiness from the couple? Accidentally turning the wedding into a funeral 2.0? Kind of crummy thing to pin on someone who just died.

 

 

So don’t worry about having fun. Don’t worry that celebrating is being somehow disrespectful to the person who passed. I don’t think ruining someone’s wedding has ever been a priority for someone who is dying.

Here Are Ways To Memorialize a Recent Death at a Wedding Celebration Without Making Everyone Sad.

PASSIVE ways to memorialize someone during a wedding:

1. Create a portrait gallery of the person and set that up in the reception area. This can be all the relatives who have died or you can also create a separate one of just the person who has passed. You see these often tucked away. Don’t be afraid to give them their own more prominent spot. Guests really do like seeing the photos.
2. Flower memorials on the seats of the person who passed, or at the spot where a wedding party member would have stood.
3. Include photo charms in the bouquet or boutonnieres.
4. Write a message in the program about your loved one.

 

 

 

 

 

If You’re Looking For Something A Bit More Inclusive To Memorialize Someone

ACTIVE ways to memorialize someone at a wedding:

1. If it’s a parent who has passed who would have been part of the mother/father dances, still have that dance in honor of them. You can either find a sibling or parent figure to substitute in for the parent, or you can dance with your spouse and invite all the other mother/son or father/daughter pairs to come join you for that dance to celebrate that relationship.
2. Have a moment of silence at the reception or during the ceremony.
3. Light a candle of remembrance during the ceremony or reception. This could also be done on the sly if you want to make this more passive.
4. Have everyone dance to the favorite song of the person who passed.
5. Toast your loved one during the toasts.
6. Visit their grave. I’ve seen this a few times. Once was pretty gut wrenching and the other was sweet as the groom dropped off the flowers from the church at his mother’s grave.

 

 

 

 

So clearly you wouldn’t want to do all of these, but perhaps some of these resonate more with you than others. What do you think would truly honor them? What would they like? You’ll know what feels best.  Family and guests will follow your lead. It’s rare that anyone will even say anything unless you signal that you’re open to bringing them into the wedding day.  It’s often the first time since the death that the family has had a chance to be together after a funeral and they are usually really ready to have a good time. Most guests and family want to celebrate with people they love and feel like bringing that person along for the ride feels right and appropriate.

 

 

Each couple will make the decision of how they’re going to approach the day. Sometimes they cry when they are trying their best not to and other times they think they’ll be “a mess” and get through the day without shedding a tear. As a photographer, I cover the day as a photojournalist, so all emotion is welcome and outbursts are common and usually part of any normal wedding day.

 

 

Building in breaks for a couple who is grieving and needs to be “on display” can be really taxing, so creating breaks from the crowds can be really helpful AND it lets me get some epic portraits of them as the wedding day is winding down. That moment of release for a couple who is very much over being on display can lead to some amazing photos that won’t remind them of all their roller coaster wedding day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the privacy of my couples, I’ve included photos from all the weddings I’ve photographed so far this year. Pretty sure no one looking at the photos would know who was struggling and grieving during the wedding and who wasn’t. Weddings always have sad, or emotional moments. Everyone’s always acutely aware of who is missing the fabulous day and that’s okay. That’s how you memorialized a recent death at a wedding.